sexworkersforchoice.org

I still sporadically work at a clinic.  It's one of those things I can't give up...even with all the changes that created so many extra stressors (namely the regulations), making it much more challenging to function with the same level of patient care then when I first became a patient advocate in '92.  Starting to work at an abortion clinic at 21 with no ties to feminism, women's health, reproductive rights, social work or counseling changed my world.  I learned so many lessons there...lessons I am grateful for every time they flow out of me, effortlessly, because of the awesome training I received.  Thank you to my mentors!!

Last week I was at the clinic doing free HIV testing to our patients (a volunteer position that is actually through the state, but my tie in as a PA is helpful).  While waiting for the last girl to become available to offer her a test, the phones were ringing...I instinctively picked up.  It was a mom, calling about her daughter.  Another pregnant 15 year old, another mom wanting to just make her have an abortion. 

Anyone that has dealt with this situation knows how tricky it can be...the power struggles that go on with parents and youth at that age.  It is a delicate situation to tell a mom or dad that they have no say in whether their child continues the pregnancy or has an abortion.  To the parents, the girls are still under their house, their rule...but they also want to protect them, and do what they honestly think is best (even if their own baggage is projected onto that idea...to them, it still *feels* right).  It's hard for parents to trust their child will make good decisions when a bad decision might have gotten them there in the first place.  It's hard to stand by and let a child make the same choice the parent might have made, and regretted later on.  It's hard to understand that we each have our own path, and that child has already started walking that path alone when they engage in having sex.  At what point to we embrace the teachable moment about decision making and responsibility??  And of course, how do you communicate this to a parent that is flipping out probably as much as the child?

I was lucky.  This mom was sane, and listened.  I asked to speak to the daughter to schedule, and get her ok to talk more to the mom.  Mom didn't argue like some mom's can... 

"I can schedule any other doctor's appointment for her, why can't I schedule this one??"  You know when they are like that on the phone, that any appointments are going to be challenging...  Again, this mom was not overly emotional or controlling, giving me the cue as well that she would be more reasonable to deal with when she came in with her daughter.   

After getting the daughter on the phone alone, I asked her if she wanted to have an abortion, and she said no.  I assured her that no matter what happened, we would not force her to have an abortion if she didn't want to, and that we would help her talk to her mom if she decided to continue her pregnancy.  I got her info, set her up for her ultrasound and counseling, and assured her we would have time to talk with her alone away from her mom so she could tell us what *she* wanted.  

When I spoke to mom to finalize the appointment, I empathized with her not wanting to see her daughter take on more responsibility then what she might be ready for, but also told her that we ultimately would not provide an abortion if the daughter said she didn't want one, and threw one of the common aftermaths at her, explaining that when women are forced or coerced into having abortions, they often try and compensate for that  loss afterward by becoming pregnant again right away, or worse yet, turn into a baby making machine.  I worked at a massage parlor with a girl that had that happen...  Mom forced her to have an abortion at 15, and by 27 she had 6 children, and still grieved the loss of her first pregnancy.  Parents might think they are doing the right thing, clinic workers might think they are allowing the right thing to happen, but at the end of the day, that girl is the one that has to make, and live with *her* decision.

I pray for the young girls that are confused and don't have unconditional parental support.  I pray they find a clinic that offers them honest options, and sound advice...and that they have the womanpower, time and inclination to give these situations the required amount of time to help all parties involved.  These are the types of situations that can change a parent/child relationship forever... 

Blessings to all those that  find the time to work with these delicate situations, and that help young women make the choices that work for them.  My love and support go out to all of you!